November 16, 2003:
Ladies, Gentlemen, and whomever put me in a separate category when they were Quoter, your new quoter speaks! Well, actually, I am not /really/ speaking, but writing. And I'm not really new, although I am new to being Quoter. And I guess this has become something of a standard weekly occasion for all of you, so--SHUT THE X^(Y<<16) UP, JEFF.
But why? I was just trying to give an introductory pretext to the grand revisionist historical vision that I was about to lay forth for the unsuspecting and propagandically vulnerable QotW-reading public as the fourth largest voting group on Earth! You used a hash function as a swear.
I DON'T CARE.
There are many reasons to care, though! Do you have no stake in the outcomes of the democratic processies of our great quotenation? Don't you--
I AM HE WHO IS. I AM ABOVE ALL. THAT INCLUDES DEMOCRACY
But by «vox populi vox dei» we might logically conclude that democr--
THE GREEKS WERE PAGAN. NOTICE THAT I SPEAK IN THE SINGULAR.
Oh.
JUST GIVE ME THE QUOTES.
I /believe/ you mean quotations, sir.
ARGHH!!!
And now...THE QUOTES!
"We'll be doing «virtual labs». They basically go «let's pretend we're Concord Academy and have lots of fancy equipment...»" - Ms Jackman
"Wait, radio waves are radiation? I'm never using my radio again!" - A person Jennie babysits for
"Have you ever wondered why your people were oppressed for 2000 years? This is why." - Orlin on "Daienu," a Jewish "song"
"Trustees of Dartmouth College v Woodward established the precedent that, in cases in which the supreme court does not wish to interpret the lawas written, it may babble for 72 pages about the public good." - Paco Esmithe (Jeremy)
"I don't sweat very much--unless I get excited." - Mr. Davis, after confiscating Krieger's cellphone down his shirt
"Jeff, I will machine gun fire you with chalk. You will next open your mouth, and I will fire--with chalk." - Mr. Riahi
"Some people have no shame--or intelligence." - Mr. Sherry to Ben Miller, after the latter swore in class.
"The general rule at Commonwealth is that people are to remain descrete units, not merge into formless blobs with each other and the couch." - Mr. Young
"I'm very self-sufficient. If I'm going to be screwed up, I'm going to screw myself up." - Jenny the Freshman.
"Boston is a maze, and I feel like a rat in it" - Lily's mom, Nancy Holland
Basic facts you should know about QOTW unless you are new, in which case you know Who to ask for forgiveness:
- To vote, reply to this e-mail with votes in the format:
//0) Significant other <-- this line is optional
1) Favorite quotee's last name
2) Second favorite quotee's last name
3) Third favorite quotee's last name
4) You get the idea
- List as many or as few names as you wish
- Subscribe to Honorable mentions! Quadruple the size of your quotes list!
- Don't spoof e-mail adresses and IPs to steal votes. It's not nice.
And to conclude the festivities, the winner of last week's voting < drumroll >was...< /drumroll > Nora, with "Now don't go getting any ideas--you're like Cupid on speed sometimes" to Roz,
--- Jeff «we shall writhe again!» Kaufman ---
November 16, 2003: Honorable Mentions
Well, worthy devotees, scientists have recently discovered a positive correllation between subscribing to Honorable Mentions and intelligence! And not just that, but it seems to prevent scurvy and ingrown toenails as well! But that's not all, order now and we'll send you a N* years supply, for NO CHARGE! You heard that right, folks. What a deal. Enjoy:"I finally figured out that not all forces cancel, so things actually /do/ move!" - Becky Lis
"I've lost somewhere my youth..." - Mr. Davis, after an abundance of lost and found announcements.
"Sitting here bored,
Reading poetry on the desk,
About Ritalin and love,
Charming sentiments." - A desk in 4A.
"Boys are moldy." - Joanna
"He argues that when America was a baby, it was fine to be raised on milk, but now that it is is a teenager, it needs its own red meat." - Mr. Young
"I have, of course, put up the high moral argument of «I was there first»." - Mr. Young on other teachers putting major assignments on days he had already claimed.
"I think we should sharpen Reilly until he has a point." - Joanna on what one should do with a rambling Reilly.
"It's Indian. It means «big country that is bigger and better than America»." - Ms. Jackman, on the derivation of «Canada».
"Mine's the gift that gives one no moral qualms about unwrapping it." - Orlin
"The problem is that the left is drifting right and the right is drifting scarywards." - Joanna
"There is much Paine in your class, Mr Young." - Joanna
"Wait; the green line isn't free?" - Alice, Jeff's sister, eighth grader.
"We tell Jeff that we've strapped Micheline to a missile and fired it North. And we've strapped an atomic bomb to another missile and fired it South, at Boston. And he'll say «Gasp! I can't save either!»" - Julian
"You can't think of jokes as animals; you have to think of them as viruses." - Julian
"A lost mastadon train crying in the night!" Roz's mom, on a train whistle echoing through the dark cold streets of Ipswich
"Jeff, one more interruption in this class and I will boot you and you will go and write your college essays!" - Ms. Jackman
"You can finish your point, but you're wrong. Go on, finish your doomed point." - Mr. Davis, to Sam
"Oh yeah? Well, you're a vegetarian!" - Daniel's friend's little brother, Nathan, trying to insult someone
"Why are you always asking me difficult questions?" - Donna, in response to «Where are you going?»
"I'm not power-hungry; I'm a republican." - Copans
--- Jeff «I guess my conversation with God in the previous e-mail was really an internal discussion...» Kaufman ---
* Where N = until we get bored with HM
November 16, 2003: Uncensored
So this one requires some warning. Before you even read this warning, we here at QOTW: Uncensored would like to request that you make any young children leave the room. If that includes yourself, please leave and have someone else - more mature than you - shut down the computer.WARNING: This page is uncensored. It is the buildup of filth since we broke down and sent the last one a few months ago. That means words of utter graphic depravity await you eyes if you scroll down just a little. Wheee!!!
"If you feel the need to use the word 'penis,' come into my office, say it, and leave." - Mr. Wharton, on using profanity in school
"Isn't an electrophile somewhat like a pedophile as they both go after the smallest thing possible?" - Matt Kraning, on « electrophiles », molecules lacking in electrons
"But it's a catfight, so you know it's hot" - Josh Krieger, on a power struggle between two ancient Grecian women
"What's with Sophocles and sloppy seconds from the dad?" - Josh Krieger on Greek heroes forcing their sons to marry their [the heroes'] concubines.
"Well, if it has a nude scene with Helen, maybe it could work..." - Mr. Connoly, Ancient History teacher, on the movie "Troy"
"From walking the hallways hearing Joanna yelling about a cool Latin word she just found out, to «Bob, you so gay, kid, fuckin' loosah, you so gay»." - Bassil, on the transition from Commonwealth School to Arlington High School
Isn't that what you do with people? You imagine them kissing?" - Mr. Davis, to his 11th grade English class
"It's okay, I sleep with Boy Scouts too!" - Alex, on sleeping with Girl Scouts
"It's different. You have to unzip it to tell, but it's different." - Emily, on Josh's zipper
"Nudie pictures!" - Luc, on Greek art
"Now, you see, the Neucleophile would have to be the male of the pair because it sends off its electrons like males send off their sem-" - Ms. Jackman
"It's not fair - I can't cheat on you with anyone here." - Joanna, to Alex, on being surrounded by men.
"Transvestite prostitute cop robbers would make a good college essay." - Mr. Sherry
"Return Miller's destiny from between your legs, Jeff." - Julian
"Loose pants; nice butress." - Joanna, on Josh as a flying buttress
"Pienso que bebió el ajenjo." - Greta Friar (Translation: "I think that you drank the absinthe.") Note: abinsthe is a highly addictive green liqueur, similar to alcohol but more intoxicating, that is illegal in most of the world.
"Athena's under Josh's grandmother. Max is on top of her. Isn't that immoral?" - Jeff, at the end of last year when he wasn't quoter, on the table in the Commonwealth lobby
"Take your balls with you. Your squash balls." - Lucky, giving instructions to the all-male (except for Frima!) Commonwealth squash team
"Get REALLY wild about reading!" - Becca's mother, proposing a spinoff "Between the Loins" porn web site as a companion to the kids' TV show "Between the Lions"
"Isn't that what you do with people? You imagine them kissing?" - Mr. Davis, to his 11th grade English class
"I would be suspicious of a course on «erotic love» offered at MIT" - Mr. Young
Remember, no voting on these. Do you really want next week's quoter to know you were reading these?
-- Jeff «I didn't have another quote, but then again you all don't really deserve one, perverts» Kaufman --
