November 9, 2003:
Greetings, Quotemonsters!As Orlin once said, "Quote of the Week is my descent into insanity, and you're all singing along!" That was before QOTW went democratic; now, one by one, he's dragging us down with him. I spent most of this week wandering around the school looking for people who were about to say something funny, like a vulture looking for things that are about to die. I usually love you all for who you are, but this week, I felt like an ant, and you felt like my aphids: small insignificant green creatures secreting sugary quote globules from your abdomens for me to collect and use for my own insect purposes; namely, this e-mail.
The scariest part was tallying the votes, which I did late at night in a dark lonely room in Ipswich. It's like a race up to the very end--Daniel in the lead; is Becky out? No! Saved by those second place votes! Here comes Orlin, pulling ahead; man, look at the steam this kid has built up! But then afterwards, the cold certainty of the whole thing suddenly hit me. There was never any doubt as to who was going to win. All that drama was meaningless. It's like fate. What if everything that happens is just another step in the process of tallying some grand cosmic instant runoff voting thing? You might think you're going to make it; you might think things are going to change, but you never did have enough fourth place votes; you were doomed from the start. You guys aren't aphids--you're those eternal little gray old women in that bad Disney Hercules movie, knitting frumpy, lopsided destinies for us all.
On a different note, congratulations to Daniel Carlyon, who won last week with his quote "You can't spell Zhou Dynasty without 'O, nasty!'" You're the man, Daniel! (Orlin was a close second with "There are many reasons why Arnold Scharzennager won, and we'll tell you when you're older," to Josh.)
And now, without further wordy ranting, this week's quotes:
"That was the problem with King George III - he sounded too much like [Mariah's] mother." - Mr. Young
"Now don't go getting any ideas -- you're like Cupid on speed sometimes." - Nora, to Roz
"What if the gophers had knives?" - Someone from the debate team at Daniel's school
"Every time you cut down one of Miller's jokes two worse ones grow back." - Ben Orlin
"You can set the bush on fire, and not consume it." Jeremy, suggesting Roz go outside and pee in a bush
"I can't spell. I'm terribly dyslexic, and if you want to know the truth, I'm just lazy." - Mr. Racioppi
"If you have something that is an elephant, you may call it a worm, but that creates confusion." - Mr. Riahi
"Julian is rubbing Alex and Miller's destinies together!" - Reilly
"Someone should go back in time and break D.H. Lawrence's fingers so it hurts him to write and he'll just write short sentences." - Julian
"Rumors are like Julian: they make for weird metaphors." - Alex, dodging a question
Forgotten how to vote? Go to http://www.qotw.net/~qotw/howtovote.html, or else!
And remember, don't sign up for any old mentions; sign up for Honorable Mentions--chances are that they're classier than you are! Just ask yourself: 'If I were a mention, would I have honor?' Probably not. (If you've ever so much as sat down in the Commonwealth Lobby, the answer is almost certainly "no.")
- Roswell "Orliph: or, Deputy of the Orlin" Thomas
